Ask a Therapist: How Do I Talk to My Child About Big Feelings?
If you’ve ever been caught off guard by your child’s big feelings—like a meltdown over the wrong-colored cup or a door slam because you dared to ask about their day—you’re in good company. Parenting through these moments can feel like navigating a minefield, with no map and a ticking clock. The good news? There’s a way through, and it starts with connection.
Big feelings aren’t just inconvenient or dramatic—they’re windows into your child’s inner world. When we reframe their behavior as communication rather than something to fix or stop, we open the door to helping them understand and manage those emotions. Let’s dive into why big feelings matter, how to approach them, and some practical language to use in the moment.
Why Do Big Feelings Happen?
Kids are born with big emotions but not the tools to handle them. Think about it: their brains are still developing, particularly the part that manages self-control (hello, prefrontal cortex). When your child feels something intensely—whether it’s excitement, frustration, or fear—their ability to regulate that feeling is limited. This is where you come in.
From a connection-first perspective, big feelings are an opportunity to teach emotional regulation and build trust. When we approach these moments with curiosity instead of frustration, we help our kids learn to navigate their emotions in a way that’s healthy and validating.
Behavior Is a Window, Not a Problem
Let’s take a moment to reframe how we see behavior. When your child screams, slams a door, or refuses to get out of the car, it’s easy to think, Why are they acting like this? But the real question is, What is this behavior telling me about what’s going on inside?
Big feelings often signal unmet needs, overstimulation, or an emotion they don’t know how to process. For example:
The tantrum at bedtime? It might be fear or resistance to transition.
The angry outburst after school? Maybe they’ve been holding it together all day and need a safe place to let it out.
The meltdown over not getting the green plate? That could be about feeling out of control in a world where they make very few decisions.
When we see behavior as a window, it becomes easier to respond with empathy and connection rather than frustration or punishment.
How to Respond to Big Feelings: Connection First
Pause and Regulate Yourself: It’s hard to meet big feelings with calm when you’re running on empty. Take a deep breath, ground yourself, and remind yourself that your child isn’t giving you a hard time—they’re having a hard time.
Acknowledge the Feeling: Start with, “I see you’re feeling really upset right now.” This simple acknowledgment helps your child feel seen and understood. Naming the emotion can also help them begin to identify it for themselves.
Get Curious: Instead of jumping to solutions, try, “Can you tell me what’s going on?” or, “I wonder if you’re feeling frustrated because you wanted to keep playing.” Curiosity opens the door to connection.
Validate Their Experience: Even if their reaction feels over-the-top, their feelings are real to them. Try saying, “That sounds really hard,” or, “I get why you’re feeling this way.” Validation doesn’t mean agreeing; it means letting them know their emotions are okay.
Co-Regulate: Kids need help calming down. This might mean sitting with them quietly, offering a hug, or modeling deep breaths. You’re showing them what regulation looks like.
Teach Skills When They’re Ready: After the storm has passed, talk about what happened. Help them brainstorm ways to handle similar feelings next time. For example, “Next time you feel mad, let’s try squeezing a pillow really tight.”
Practical Language to Use
Sometimes, finding the right words in the heat of the moment feels impossible. Here are some scripts to keep in your back pocket:
“I’m here. Let’s figure this out together.”
“You’re feeling so upset right now. I wonder if it’s because [insert observation].”
“It’s okay to feel mad. Let’s find a safe way to let it out.”
“Do you want to tell me about it, or should we just sit together for a bit?”
“Your feelings are important. Let’s figure out what they’re telling us.”
Building Emotional Vocabulary
One of the best ways to help kids manage big feelings is to give them the words to describe what they’re feeling. Emotional vocabulary takes time to develop, but here’s how you can support it:
Name Emotions in Real Time: When you notice your child feeling something, say it out loud: “You look frustrated that the game isn’t working the way you want.”
Use Books and Stories: Read books about emotions and talk about how the characters might be feeling. (The Color Monster is a great one!)
Play Feelings Games: Use cards or prompts to match emotions to facial expressions or situations.
Over time, your child will start to recognize and name their own emotions, making it easier to manage them.
Setting Boundaries with Big Feelings
While connection is key, it’s also important to set boundaries—both for your child’s safety and for your own well-being. Boundaries don’t have to mean shutting down your child’s feelings; instead, they create structure and security within which big emotions can be expressed and managed. Here’s how to set attachment-friendly boundaries:
Stay Calm and Clear: Boundaries are most effective when they’re communicated calmly. For example, “I know you’re upset right now, but hitting isn’t okay. Let’s find another way to show how you feel.”
Hold the Line with Empathy: It’s possible to enforce a boundary while validating feelings. Try saying, “I understand you’re angry, and it’s okay to feel that way. But throwing toys isn’t safe. Let’s put the toys down and talk about it.”
Offer Choices When Possible: Giving your child some control within a boundary can help them feel empowered. For example, “You can either sit here to calm down or we can take a walk together. Which would you like?”
Stay Consistent: Kids thrive on predictability. If you set a boundary, stick to it gently but firmly, even if your child protests. Consistency helps them feel secure.
Boundaries teach kids that their feelings are important and valid, but that they still need to navigate those feelings in ways that respect others and keep everyone safe.
What About When They Push You Away?
It’s normal for kids (especially older ones) to push back against your attempts to connect, especially in the heat of the moment. They might say things like, “Leave me alone!” or, “You don’t get it!” Here’s what to do:
Give Them Space, But Stay Available: Say, “I’ll be right here if you want to talk or need a hug.” This lets them know you’re not abandoning them but respecting their need for space.
Circle Back Later: After they’ve cooled down, revisit the moment with curiosity and care: “Earlier, it seemed like you were really upset. Do you want to talk about it?”
Don’t Take It Personally: Their words aren’t about you; they’re a reflection of what they’re struggling with inside.
When to Seek Extra Support
Sometimes, big feelings feel too big, and you might wonder if there’s more going on. Here are some signs that it might be time to consider professional support:
Your child’s emotions are interfering with school, friendships, or daily life.
They seem stuck in negative patterns or have difficulty bouncing back from setbacks.
You feel stuck or unsure how to help.
Therapy can provide tools and strategies for both you and your child, creating a foundation for emotional well-being and resilience.
You’ve Got This (Even When It Feels Like You Don’t)
Parenting a child with big feelings isn’t easy. There will be moments when you feel like you’re failing, moments when you want to hide in the bathroom and eat chocolate. (That’s totally normal, by the way.) But here’s the truth: your effort to connect, understand, and guide your child matters. Even when it doesn’t feel like it, you’re making a difference.
At Hive Wellness Collective, we’re here to support you and your family through the ups and downs. Whether it’s helping your child build emotional regulation skills or giving you tools to navigate tough moments, we’re in this with you. Reach out if you’re ready to take the next step. Together, we’ve got this.